First Year Adventures
by Stalungrad
Summary: Being a series of adventures set during Harry Potter's first year at Hogwarts (y'know, the stuff that happens in the first book).
1. Green And Silver Paint

**Harry Potter is (c) idk Warner Bros probably. This fan fiction is absolutely intended to break copyright. JK Rowling is responsible for making Harry Potter, but I don't think anyone much understood it.**

GREEN AND SILVER PAINT

"Mr Malfoy, what are you doing?"

Professor Snape had sniffed out some wrongdoing, as ever. This time in the Charms classroom after hours.

"Nothing, sir," said Malfoy, attempting to strike a balance between the sort of cool defiance that so appealed to his fans and the sort of humility necessary to stop Snape taking some points away from Slytherin.

"Nothing," repeated Snape. Oh dear. He's being dangerously calm. "Hand me your wand."

Malfoy did some swears in his head. "I'm sorry, sir. It won't happen again."

"Wand. Now."

Malfoy handed Snape his wand.

Snape took it, and held it tip-to-tip with his own wand.

"Priori incantato."

Malfoy's wand betrayed its owner's secret. It became clear to Snape that Malfoy had been casting some naughty fart spells, with a view, no doubt, to humiliating Gryffindors.

"I think it's time for the three of you to grow up," said Snape. Three? Yes, three. Crabbe and Goyle were there too, natch.

Malfoy didn't want to grow up, because this seemed like a Snapey euphemism for hours of tedious chores for Filch the caretaker. Hours.

"Let's take you to see Mr Filch."

Malfoy did some more head swears.

"And ten points from Slytherin."

What?! Snape taking points from his own house? Clearly, he wanted to turn Malfoy's own house against him for a bit.

What a bellend.

()

"Mr Filch."

"Argh!"

Filch had his back to the door as Snape ushered Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle into the office. And Filch kept his back turned, stuffing a piece of paper desperately into a cabinet drawer.

"What is it, Snape?"

"Turn around, Filch, I've got some -"

"Shan't."

"What?"

"P- P- Now, yes. Peeves has cast his normal mischief, yes. Just say your bit."

Crabbe and Goyle exchanged a look. It didn't help. It so rarely did.

"Got some students need punishing," said Snape.

"Out!" squealed Filch. "P-paint the room. Yes. Paint the Slytherin common room."

"Doesn't seem like -" started Snape.

"OUT!"

()

The Slytherin common room. There's barely a wizard gone bad who's not, at some point, binned a first-year in this very room.

The students had been sent elsewhere, and a collection of pots of green and silver paint lurked ominously at the feet of Professor Snape and the naughty boy trinity.

"You paint until the job is finished," said Snape. "Using THESE."

"What?!" blared Malfoy. "Muggle brushes? You wait until my father hears about this."

"If it would please you, Mr Malfoy," said Snape, smiling a dangerous smile. "I can send an owl to him directly. It'll be a good opportunity to fill him in on your performance in Potions this year."

Malfoy went white and quiet.

Snape waved his wand, and a heavy black-and-green hourglass materialised, the top bulb full of silver sand.

"This sand represents the unpainted portion of the room," said Snape. "It will fall only as you paint. You can stop when every last grain has run out."

Malfoy stared in horror at the ghastly hourglass.

Snape smiled again, and left them to it.

Malfoy did some swears in real life.

"Alright, you two. What are you waiting for?"

Crabbe, quick off the mark, did some thinking for ten seconds and then picked up a paintbrush.

"No, duh-brain," said Malfoy. "Turn the hourglass around. Get all the sand into the bottom."

Crabbe and Goyle lifted the heavy object, turning it around between them, and replacing it.

A dramatic pause.

And the silver sand, now in the bottom bulb, shot upwards into the top bulb.

Malfoy punched Goyle's back in his fury. It's unclear whether Goyle noticed.

"Right," said Malfoy. He grabbed his wand and pointed it at a pot of paint. "Defodio."

Nothing happened. But be fair, it's a tricky spell.

Malfoy stuck his wand under the lid of the paint, and lifted it. The paint on the end of his wand, he wiped clean on Crabbe's robe.

Malfoy dipped a brush thoughtfully into the pot. He removed it, dripping with paint. Was that too much? Oh, who cares?

He did a line on the wall. He checked the hourglass. A few grains of sand fell into the bottom bulb.

"Oh," said Malfoy. "It's quite fun, actually."

He kept doing lines, but after a while, it stopped being fun, and started to feel a bit too much like work.

He counted the lines he'd done so far. One … two … three … four. Four lines. He checked the hourglass. Double bugger, hardly any sand in the bottom bulb.

"This is ridiculous," Malfoy declared. "Time for desperate measures."

()

Here's what you need to know about Matilda Gamp:

1 - The scar under her left eye was caused by a spell cast by her best friend Sophie Shafiq eight years ago, when both were seven years old, after Gamp killed Sophie's rabbit as a prank.  
2 - Gamp is a powerful witch for her age, but teachers don't like her, because her parents tortured most of them in the name of He Who Must Not Be Named. It is unclear whether Joanna and Stephen Gamp were actually part of the gang or whether they just enjoyed the fun.  
3 - Gamp was briefly in a relationship with Marcus Flint. He cheated on her, and now there's something wrong with Marcus's brain. I don't wish to speculate on whether these facts are connected. I suggest you don't either.  
4 - Gamp has a full collection of chocolate frog cards. She completed her collection very shortly after a second-year named Georgina Dinch completed hers, and shortly before Dinch was sent to the Hospital Wing to sort out "the creepiest spell I've seen in all my days" (quoth Pomfrey).  
5 - Gamp once had a dream where she stabbed Professor Trelawney in the eye with a magic knife. Gamp genuinely believes this was a prophecy.  
6 - Gamp is not allowed to study Divination anymore.

Today, Matilda Gamp was trying to create a magical compass which would point to the secrets of her enemies.

"Want to go Hogsmeade later?"

"Shut up, Sophie. Go die."

Right. Poke the wand in, angle it just right -

"Matilda. I need your help."

Malfoy was hit in the face by a heavy text book.

"Matilda, what the fu-"

"Hello, tiny firstie. Volunteering to help me with an experiment, are we?"

"No!" Malfoy squeaked. Then, in his proper voice, "I need you to cast a painting spell on the common room."

"Sounds tedious. What does it pay?"

"I can get my father to tell me secrets."

"Little boy, I can get your father to tell me secrets."

"Easier for me, though."

Gamp gave this due consideration.

()

Painting was a lot harder with scorched hands. Malfoy was furious.

"Who does she think she is? Wait until my father hears about this."

Goyle wasn't good at painting anything which wasn't Goyle. Crabbe liked the silver paint best.


	2. Change Your Destiny

**I don't own the copyright to Harry Potter, but frankly, neither does Amazon. Go away, Amazon. Stop sniffing around my excellent fanfiction. JK Rowling made these things, and that's generally considered a good thing.**

CHANGE YOUR DESTINY

"Lavender. Lavender!"

Parvati seemed excited.

"What is it?"

"Look at this! I got it from Padma! It tells the future."

Lavender looked at the object in her friend's hands, and giggled.

"Parvati! That's a trick we play on Muggles."

It was a folded piece of paper which could open in two directions.

"No, but listen," said Parvati. "Jessica Ponty bewitched it, and she's one of the cleverest students in Ravenclaw. It'll tell us the real future, Lavender!"

"Hang on, hang on, hang on." Lavender struggled to keep calm. "We have to test it."

She took the item from Parvati.

"Ask a question."

"Okay," said Parvati. She addressed the origami object. "Will Lavender and I be best friends forever?"

The object sprang into life. It opened and closed, opened and closed, pulling Lavender's hands along with it. After a few moments, it slowed to a stop - and a single flap unfolded.

Something was written on the flap.

"'Yes'," read Lavender.

"Seems legit," said Parvati.

Lavender handed the object back.

"One more test," she said. Speaking to the object, she asked: "Will Dumbledore still be headmaster when we finish at Hogwarts?"

The object pulled at Parvati's hands, opening and closing again, until a flap proclaimed: "No."

"Makes sense," said Parvati. "He's dead old. He'll probably die soon."

"Parvati!"

They giggled nervously.

"Okay," said Parvati. "Let's ask a proper question now."

Lavender tried to think of a good question.

Oh! And started giggling so hard she could hardly breathe.

"Go on, then!" said Parvati, grinning.

Lavender blushed furiously, and whispered:

"Who will I marry? In the future?"

They giggled as the object activated once more. It opened, closed, opened, closed, slowed, and … and the giggling stopped abruptly.

They stared on horror at the name written on the unfolded flap.

"Neville Longbottom".

"Unacceptable," whispered Lavender.

Professor Binns was droning on and on and on and on about the history of magic. It was fucking tedious.

Nearly as tedious was the book on Divination Parvati had found in the library. There was plenty on telling the future, but no word on changing the future.

"Maybe you can't change it," she whispered.

"Keep searching," said Lavender darkly.

"Maybe we should ask a teacher," said Parvati.

Lavender sighed. Yes, alright.

She put up a hand.

But nothing happened.

She coughed.

And nothing happened.

"Professor Binns, sir?"

Nothing.

"SIR!"

"Hmmm …?" The ghosty professor looked up. Ron Weasley woke up in shock. Hermione Granger shot Lavender an annoyed look.

"I was wondering about Divination …?"

"My dear, I deal with the past, not the future. If you wish to learn the unnecessary art of learning about things without waiting for them to happen, you'll be given the option in our third year. As I was saying, in 1748, Jasmine the Nutter was responsible for a befuddlement charm on the leaders of -"

"Sir!"

Binns appeared cross.

"Yes."

"In history, right …" Lavender thought carefully about her words. "Was there ever a wizard who tried to change the future? To change a prophecy?"

Binns became 0.04% more animated, shocking the room.

"Well. Uric the Oddball put considerable effort into preventing rain on the day of his annual picnic."

"Did it work?"

"The record states that the picnic was cancelled after Uric threw his food hamper into the river as a sacrifice to the underwater hedgehogs he'd come to worship, before discovering that they were reflections of the birds' nest in the branches of the -"

"Did anyone actually manage to change their destiny?" asked Lavender.

"Sir," said Hermione Granger. "In Hogwarts: A History, a footnote tells of the 1300s sorceress Ima-"

"No, no, no," spluttered Binns. "Completely different. There is no evidence that Imania Gamp was possessed of such an ability. Far more likely, the prophecies supposedly made were faked by Gamp herself to aid her growing reputation as a powerful -"

"What prophecy did she thwart?" asked Lavender.

"As you'd know if you'd read Hogwarts: A History," began Hermione, ignoring the groaning from half the class. "The warlock Petrus Balderby had predicted that Hogwarts would be consumed by an enormous bear on All Saints' Day of that year. 1345, if I'm right."

"IF she's right?" whispered Ron Weasley, slightly too loud. "Hasn't she memorised the whole book?"

"Shut up, Ron. Anyway, Imania Gamp cast a hex which was believed to alter the future."

"Nonsense, of course," said Binns.

"If it's nonsense, sir, why did they burn her in 1370? Her own kind turned against her."

"Fanciful nonsense," said Binns. "Now, if we may return - Emeric the Evil was entering the second week of his siege, and was almost entirely out of cheese …"

Lavender whispered to Parvati.

"Imania Gamp. Isn't there someone called Gamp in this school …?

Matilda Gamp added the final ingredient to her cauldron - three spider legs.

"Alright, Sophie," she said. "It's ready for you to try it."

"I don't know," said her friend Sophie Shafiq. "Should it be so dark?"

"I want to get it pitch black," said Gamp thoughtfully. "But I can't get all the ingredients I want. What can I say? I've improvised. Grow a spine, Sophie, for fuck's sake."

"You try it, then," said Sophie.

Gamp sighed loudly. "I will, Sophie, but if I go first, you'll mess up writing the report on it."

"Are you sure Snape wants you to test the potion?"

"We'll get points for showing initiative. I'm starting to think you don't care about the House Cup this year, Sophie."

"I do," said Sophie softly, biting her lip.

"Then drink."

Gamp filled a goblet with the liquid, careful not to get any on her hands. She handed it to Sophie.

"Hello, Madam Pomfrey," said Lavender. "We're here to see Sophie Shafiq."

"She's sleeping," said Pomfrey curtly.

"We just want to leave these flowers for her," said Parvati. "And Lavender's brought a teddy bear."

"I can see that," said Pomfrey. The bear was very nearly larger than Lavender herself. Pomfrey sighed. "Oh, alright. Two minutes."

Lavender and Parvati thanked her, and entered the wards.

Matilda Gamp was sitting by one of the beds, busily scribbling on a scroll.

"Matilda," said Lavender softly, then went quiet when she saw the frightening state of Sophie Shafiq on the bed.

"Quiet, sweetheart, I've got work to do," muttered Gamp.

"Can you change the future?"

Gamp looked up suspiciously.

"It's just, I heard you're descended from a powerful sorceress."

Gamp put down the scroll and quill.

"I think you'll find I'm from a long line of powerful sorceresses."

"Then … Can you change the future? Like Imania Gamp could?"

"What if I can?" asked Gamp.

"This thing told me I've got to marry Neville Longbottom." Lavender held up the origami fortune teller.

"Who's that, then?"

"A toady boy in my class."

Gamp took the fortune teller delicately.

"Kids' stuff," she said.

"No," said Parvati. "There's a spell on it. It works."

Gamp held he device in her open palm.

"Will Quirrell still be working here next year?" she asked.

The device activated, opening and closing itself, eventually revealing a flap: "no".

"Alright," said Gamp. "So far so good. Nobody ever stays more than a year.

Who'll be reaching Defence Against the Dark Arts instead?"

Open, close, flap.

Gamp read the message to herself.

"Very interesting," she said. "Alright. I'll help you."

She revealed her wand.

"Mutate fata," she announced. Yellow ribbons of light spread from her wand, spinning, weaving around Lavender, and entered her heart.

"Done," said Gamp. She picked up the object again. "Will this firsty marry today boy?"

The device activated, operated, and revealed: "no".

"A job well done," said Gamp. "I'm keeping this thing."

That evening, Parvati came to Lavender with a dandelion clock.

"Lavender!" she called. "Jessica Ponty's bewitched this. It'll tell us the time, down to the second!"

But Lavender Brown had learnt a valuable lesson.

"Parvati, I think there are some things we're not meant to know."

So Parvati went outside to blow the clock. It was eight seventeen precisely.


End file.
